liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
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I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
sry
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.