When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
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Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.