When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
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At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
that’s really how it is
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.