@jessokfine: When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I'm like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
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@Pro_Jones_: Me: *wakes up screaming* Wife: What's wrong? Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again Wife: Need some help? Me: AHHH
@david8hughes: Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please Arresting officer: no
@BonaFideIntent: Me: I won't be in due to a VOLCANO Boss: ..we live, in Florida..? Me: IRRELEVANT Boss: Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
@Chloestylo: Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried? Me: You mean after I die, right?