@jessokfine: When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I'm like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
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@DanKCharnley: [1st day as undercover cop] *approaches drugdealer* Me: "Yes hello I'd like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!" *gets stabbed*
@scriptdave: Biden: I wanna join the protest. Obama: Joe, we've been over this. Biden: But they're-- Obama: How about some ice cream? . . . Biden: Okay.
@CakeThrottle: I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow