When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
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[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
all bases covered
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.