When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
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Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
That was easy.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”