When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
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My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR