When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
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Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately