When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
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Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport