When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
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Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
More like Kate Missington.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Mood.. 😂
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.