When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
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When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.