@FuttyNudgekins: When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder...does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
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@bornmiserable: Jay Z: Can I get a what what? Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you? Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
@Hmmm_er: She: 5 mins babe He: Ok *discovers a new planet* *travels to it* *discovers life* *returns back* He: Ready? She: 5 mins babe
@EJGomez: bicycle cop: im taking you to jail me [sarcastic voice]: should i ride on your pegs or walk next to you [segway cop just dying laughing]
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Who ate all the cookies? 5-year-old: Ninjas. Me: I didn’t see them. 5-year-old: No one ever does. Checkmate.