@FuttyNudgekins: When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder...does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
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@truegritrumble: I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn't be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
@Rich_McCarthy: *Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
@amydillon: My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, "it goes by so fast."
@Florescience: *At funeral* "Your Mom is so fat" I said eulogy, not roast. "oh right, I'm sorry. Your mom WAS so fat..."