@FuttyNudgekins: When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder...does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
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@Kristen_R5: summer is real cute until every frickin type of insect comes out of the 8th circle of hell
@InternetHippo: What should we call this giant advertising board? PHIL: A philboard BILL: I have a better idea
@SocialBitterfly: *one day before marriage* Parents: Don't talk to the groom. Don't see him. Don't think. *one day after marriage* Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
@tylerschmall: *walks into Babies R Us* Hi I'd like to buy a baby. "Sir we don't-" *I slide him a 100 dollar bill* "This way please."