When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
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When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.