When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
You Might Also Like
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
What my back needs
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨