My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
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I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.