I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
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A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER