All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
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[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Finally! 😈
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”