@Douchekevin: When I see babies who breastfeed crying I know it's because they don't have Oreos to go with the milk.
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@thenatewolf: Detective: someone's been stealing boats, can we look in your basement? Me: I don't have a basement *sound of foghorn from basement*
@OneTrickTofani: [At Wedding] Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife? Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND Priest: TOO LATE. YOU'RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
@Mr_Kapowski: Lady Astronaut: *eats all the chocolate* Guy Astronaut: You know we're on the space shuttle for- LA: SHUTTLE YOUR MOUTH AND GIVE ME SPACE
@PaperWash: Age 15: kids are stupid Age 25: kids are stupid Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid