I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
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Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
this is 10/10 content no notes
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out