@Douchekevin: When I see babies who breastfeed crying I know it's because they don't have Oreos to go with the milk.
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@RealCarrotFacts: Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
@HousewifeOfHell: A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
@spekulation: Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I'm not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
@robdelaney: When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.