I’m already scared
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Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.