me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
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just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?