When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
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Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Pigeon open mic night.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Meme Monday.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”