@joeldanger: When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T's on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
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@MedikalMiracle: "Hey, long time. Wassup?" should be auto-corrected to "Dude. Can you do me a favor?"
@DanMentos: [guy in charge of naming superheroes] Superman, next Batman, next Wonder Woman, next Aquaman, next *takes a hit of acid* Green Lantern
@ericsshadow: FBI: If you testify you'll have to go into the Witness Protection Program ME: I'll do it FBI: Your wife and kids too ME: Never mind
@Reverend_Scott: I believe I can flyyy. I believe I can touch the skyyy. I believe I was mistaaaken. I believe I'm faaalling. I believe I'm gonna diiiie.