@joeldanger: When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T's on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
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@LeBearGirdle: Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client's mouth bleeding? Dentist: he doesn't floss Me: You hit me! D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don't floss
@robyn_vo: Remember being a kid and writing "FiretrUCK" everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn't get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me :(
@SteveSuckington: I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.