When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
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My birthstone is kidney
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.