Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
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“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.