If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
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George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
My safe word is Worcestershire
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food