When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
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wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.