When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
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My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.