*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
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Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
LA today:
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
the answer was staring at me all along
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude