*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
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Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
This week’s mood.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo