My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
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every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it