You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
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Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!