@JaySuch: When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
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@sofarrsogud: ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh? JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
@joejwest: ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel? WIFE: Which one? SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
@KKAlThani: I was in a good mood when suddenly twitter went down & I ran over a blind man, tasered a baby, killed a puppy & set myself on fire.