When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
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Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.