When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
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I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
😅😅😅
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
not for long
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?