When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
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Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
life finds a way
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.