#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
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Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Justify your alcoholism by having children.