@imteddybless: when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don't mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
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@AristotlesNZ: In retrospect, when the cop pulled me over & asked "where's the fire", stroking a lighter & whispering "haven't decided yet" was a mistake.
@Mr_Kapowski: Q: When is Santa's birthday? A: Since Santa comes once a year and he's married, Santa's birthday is December 25th
@smedlee: When I lose a follower, I like to pretend they were Taken, then I go to Europe and shoot absolutely everyone.
@david8hughes: [looks over neighbour's fence while he's in the pool] "Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days."