@imteddybless: when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don't mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
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@michaelianblack: Took me three hours to drive home through the snow, but it was worth it because when I got home, my family totally ignored me.
@dafloydsta: [on a first date] Me: So do you like puppies? Her: Oh I love them Me: Ok, so we'll both have the puppies Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
@_NTFG_: People say love is the best feeling in the world, but I think finding a toilet when you have diarrhea is better.
@WarningPuzzle: *walks into bar with camera* Me: Can I take a shot of this glass? Bartender: Take a pitcher, it'll last longer