@weinerdog4life: When I tell my wife I'm gonna have to work late she knows it's code for I was playing with super glue and I'm stuck to my desk again.
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@Steelers1972: I swallowed my NyQuil with a 5 Hour energy and a latte and now my pet unicorn Steve and I are off to bake cheesecakes.
@Mr_Kapowski: McDonald’s Employee: Sir, your kids are not welcome at the Play Place Me: How dare you *one of my goats pops its head up from the ball pit chewing a child’s hat*
@hell_homer: This is your brain: [hippo standing in a field] This is your brain on twitter: [100s of people surround the hippo patting it rhythmically]