I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
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TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
they split up moments later
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.