The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
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Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic