@TedBundybitch: When I tell people I don't speak English to get out of a conversation I randomly throw the word hemorrhoid just to bring it home
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@marcmack: I live in fear that one day the real "World's Greatest Dad" is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
@duplicitron: If you smoke while you're pregnant your baby comes out wearing a t-shirt and jeans looking cool as hell.
@TheBoydP: I'm not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I'm just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion...
@Chumpstring: GENIE: you have three wishes ME: make math go away GENIE: ha ok that one's on the house ME: oh so I still get three wishes? GENIE: huh?