@TedBundybitch: When I tell people I don't speak English to get out of a conversation I randomly throw the word hemorrhoid just to bring it home
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@iwearaonesie: dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver me: *looking* dad: Isn't that a Phillips beside you? me: It says "Craftsman" dad: me: Are you crying?
@UncleDuke1969: Me: Threesome? Wife: When pigs fly! Do I wish for flying pigs? Pro: Threesome Con: High bacon prices *has idea *starts building catapult
@cbdoubleu: Wife: I lost my day planner. Me: Not in your briefcase? W: No. I looked EVERYWHERE. M: Well it looks like you've got a hidden agenda W: