@TedBundybitch: When I tell people I don't speak English to get out of a conversation I randomly throw the word hemorrhoid just to bring it home
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@heathesauruss: Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don't even know what types of blood there are
@BrickCh4News: "A black man follows me when it's sunny outside. When it's cloudy, he goes home." "Brick, that's your shadow."
@AGStr8upNinja: Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee's you're buying it off of sure can.
@Reverend_Scott: [hospital] "Did my dad make it, doctor?" Billy, your dad's in a better place now. [crying] "HE'S DEAD?" Haha no, he went to Disney World.