@TedBundybitch: When I tell people I don't speak English to get out of a conversation I randomly throw the word hemorrhoid just to bring it home
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@TotallyAllen: HOW TO START A CONVERSATION ON THE BUS: Look longingly out the window and remark, "Such a shame this is all just gonna burn."
@BoozyMusic: My new cat, John Cena, wants me to remind y'all to never let your kids name your pets.
@kelkulus: The Garden of Eden must have been one exciting place if the most tempting things were apples.