when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
You Might Also Like
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me