My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
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Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Oh my god
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor