How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
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“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*