The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
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“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
yeah no that’s fair
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]