[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
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I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is