I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
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Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house