When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
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My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
For the orator and chef in all of us
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Plumber: I think I found the problem
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
(by @ZachWeiner )
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD