ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
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me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.