When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
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I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Just got to our Airbnb!
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars