@topaz_kell: When I treat people the way I want to be treated, they get weirded out when I start brushing their hair.
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@TheTimmyToes: BARTENDER: the usual? ME: *nods* *bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
@sonictyrant: Me: can i get that last tub of frozen cow juice ? Sales assistant: oh ha ha, thats ben and jerry's Me: *Leans in and slides a 50 over the counter* i wont tell em if you dont
@novicefather: My 3yo just told me that he loves to make babies and I don't know what it means but I'm terrified.
@JonnyGoodTimes: My girlfriend HATES it when I sneak up on her. According to her lawyer she also hates it when I call her my girlfriend ( ._.)