Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
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BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks