Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
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Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying