@weinerdog4life: When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can't get over the fence
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@bombchelle87: How am I supposed to drink responsibly when responsibility is the whole damn reason I drink?
@Try2StopME: I wrote to the Bank: "My Cheque was returned with remark 'Insufficient funds'. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?"
@envydatropic: I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I'm out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won't want to talk to me