@weinerdog4life: When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can't get over the fence
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@wickedsuga: Just found a pill in the bottom of my purse. Have no clue what it is, but I'm real excited to take it and see what happens.
@EJGomez: *emergency room* NURSE: "we're losing him!" DOCTOR [pouring like a lot of buckets of ice water on his head]: "IM WORKING AS FAST AS I CAN"
@AtticusFinch79: [date] Me: Wanna watch Star Wars? Him: No interest, before my time. Me *pretending to choke him with my mind* Him: What're you doing?
@kcmoore51: I love getting kisses from my dogs but, I'm starting to worry about the one who keeps trying to give me the slow tongue.