When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
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“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
and now we wait
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head