When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
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How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.